


falling in and out of love

by herounit



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 06:18:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5446307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herounit/pseuds/herounit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shintaro Kisaragi experiences what it is like to fall in love, to be in love, and to fall out of love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	falling in and out of love

**Author's Note:**

> Just some writing to express myself again; transcribed yet again into some Kagepro stuff! Hope you like it.

He doesn't know when he had started to fall for her. Maybe it was when he first had a wet dream about her and he woke up in a sweat, flustered more than anything. Perhaps he had begun his descent of seemingly one-sided admiration when he began walking home with her.

Shintaro isn't exactly sure when or how he had begun to think about these things, but he also isn't sure if he finds these thoughts annoying or a bit pleasurable.

When he greets her in the morning, his uninterested gaze completely betrays his current thoughts.

"Did she dream about me?" He thinks casually.

"Was she thinking of me when she went home yesterday? What about when she woke up this morning?" His thoughts are hopelessly filled with Ayano, and he can't do anything about it.

For Shintaro, falling in love was an awkward experience.

When she breathes in, he tenses and wonders if she is about to say something about him.

"You're looking cute today, Shintaro!" As if Ayano would ever say that, but he still grew nervous, his face slightly turning red.

"Shintaro... I've had enough of being treated the way I am by you." He felt a chill down his spine.

He wonders that if she would ever leave. If Ayano left, surely he would be devastated.

But he didn't want to think about that right now. He only wanted to think about how nice it would be to just figure out how he felt.

He felt like it would be great to casually put his hand over hers - to feel how warm she was.

But he also felt like it would be just as great to flick her forehead for her usual failing grades.

For Shintaro, falling in love was something he never expected.

**

He isn't exactly sure when he begins to imagine these scenarios. These images in his head where he's holding Ayano's hand, their fingers interlocked as they swing back and forth, walking to nowhere in particular. The images where he's holding her close in bed, kissing her forehead, appreciating her warmth.

Before, he could only think about what she thought of him, but now, he could only think about how great it would be to give her a big smooch - on the lips even. He thinks of so many scenarios about how great it would be to go on so many dates with Ayano he just angers himself that he isn't going out with her already.

But he also has thoughts of her being held by other people - people that weren't him. The thought of Ayano just spending time with another guy infuriates him. Being handled by another guy that wasn't himself, he made himself so worried and mad over endless scenarios that didn't involve him.

When he's in class, he imagines Ayano and another person living a happy life together. His stuffs his head into his arms in an attempt to flush the thoughts away, but he ends up stamping his feet onto the ground and embarrassing himself in front of his classmates.

For Shintaro, being in love was excruciatingly painful.

When Ayano says goodbye and heads to her head house, he wants to run up to her, grab her hand and tell her he loves her.

He wants to say, "Wait! Can I walk you home? Can I see you off at your bus stop?".

He wants to make any excuse he can to spend more time with her.

He wants to kiss her so badly he'd do a million things he'd never do just to even get close to her face for a few seconds.

Was that a bit drastic, even for Shintaro?

Yes.

Did it measure his lust, his affection and just how badly he just wanted to physically be with her?

Probably.

For Shintaro, being in love was like finding an equation he couldn't solve.

**

When he wakes up and finds out that Ayano is gone, he is no longer Shintaro.

He isn't sure who he is, but it isn't Shintaro Kisaragi - that was a fact.

He felt angry. Upset. Sad.

But more than anything else...

He felt empty.

He knew the people around him would forget so easily how bright Ayano's smile was. How she would always try her best, even if she was clumsy. How she had the tendency to shyly look away from you if you accidentally kept eye contact with her for too long.

They would all forget her so quickly. But not Shintaro. He would remember and remember, just how painful it was.

He would remember how wide the hole in his heart was. How torn apart he was, and how his wounds would heal, but never completely.

For Shintaro, falling out of love was the worst thing in the world.

When he drops out of school and locks himself in his room, he cries.

He doesn't know how long he cries, but he cries and cries and cries.

His breathing is shaky and the sounds he makes as his tears and snot dribble down his face aren't pretty.

He doesn't know how to cope. Surfing the internet and playing games only does so much before he routinely breaks down each night and the all too familiar sobbing comes back to him.

For a long time, this is how he lives.

His choked screams for help go unnoticed.

He silently wishes to die, to be gone from this world.

Unlike before, he imagines a scenario where he never existed. A world where Ayano would definitely be happier and more fulfilled if she hadn't met Shintaro.

This only fuels his sadness and will to die even further.

He feels so very empty.

But he doesn't care.

Because for Shintaro, falling out of love meant losing the most important person to him.


End file.
